The Pandemic Crash
Aidan was prescribed a variety of medications after they began having involuntary tics, including antidepressants, antipsychotics and A.D.H.D. medicine, the last of which they reacted poorly to. They turned one bottle into art.
Aidan had always been a sensitive child. At 6, during a turbulent period for the family when their mother was ill, Aidan began to occasionally tic, clearing their throat or rolling their eyes. (The family asked to be identified by their first names because of privacy concerns.)
Aidan was raised as a boy. By adolescence they gravitated toward friendships with girls, came out as bisexual and traded sports for ballet and theater. Sometimes they were severely bullied. Once, Aidan’s skull cracked after they were dragged by the ankles into a shower in the boys’ locker room. In high school, Aidan came out as nonbinary and began using “they” and “them” pronouns. They grew out their hair and occasionally wore skirts to school, trying to figure out what felt right. Their parents, while supportive, were worried about the changes, making Aidan feel angry and unsettled. The teenager took refuge in drama class, where being different was encouraged. But in retrospect, Aidan realized that the group glamorized mental illness, sometimes flaunting psychiatric diagnoses. “It was like a weird fetishization of sadness,” said Aidan, now 18. When the Covid lockdown was announced, Aidan felt a tinge of relief. Online school allowed the teenager to fly under the radar, drawing or watching videos on their phone. On TikTok, they found scores of teens who were sharing their experiences with all kinds of health issues, including multiple personality disorder and Tourette’s. Aidan was especially moved by videos of Billie Eilish, the young pop star who in 2018 revealed she had Tourette’s, that were edited together to show her tics. Aidan felt an intoxicating connection to these strangers whose suffering was plain to see. But when school reopened in January of 2021, their stresses came flooding back. Aidan found the noise at school overwhelming and was often too anxious to eat. Seated in class one frigid afternoon weeks later, the teenager sent their parents a long text message with an urgent request.
“I think I should see a therapist,” Aidan wrote. They had started having panic attacks, they said, sometimes pulling at their skin while struggling to breathe. Their social interests were narrowing as they spent more and more time on their phone. “I want an answer,” the teenager wrote. “I just wanna know if I have an illness.” Aidan started therapy soon after. But within a month, they were convulsing in the living room.